Long Time Coming

It's been a while since I had posted here. I think insomnia has brought me to this place... When I decided to start blogging (and what a bang up job I am doing of that, no less), I had intended to do it daily--at least more frequent then whenever the mood strikes me. Right now, it's a combination of insomnia and a cluster fuck of thoughts and mixed emotions. Isn't that always the case though?


I know that I'm doing the right thing and pursing a college degree. I know that if I truly want to get somewhere in life, I need to do this. I know that while life has hit a big speed bump (read: the majority of my adult life), things will get better. I mean, they have to don't they? A better job is waiting for me, it's just a matter of time. Love? Well who knows if there is love in the horizon.

I've resolved to be single for the rest of my life. I'm not really sure if I truly want to let someone into my life and share it with me. While the thought of being one of the old cat ladies that people make fun of... I think that is what is in my future. While part of me longs for some sort of companionship other than my family and (very few) friends, it terrifies me to open up. I keep saying that I want to live and that I want to experience life and make new friends. I'm a little scared to. 


Okay, I'm very scared to. 


I know I can't keep living in the past, and while I know everyone has had made poor choices, lived through difficult things, and just have regrets-- they've made the choice to move on and keep living. Now, I'm not saying that I've given up living, I just think I've lost the desire to live? There isn't anything that brings me joy. I know , that's pitiful. I'm ashamed to even admit it. 28 years old is too young...


I don't know why I even started this post. I've been playing with spotify to get me in the mood to write something somewhat intelligent and coherent, but I've failed. 

Forgiveness?

It's been a long time since I've written. I will (have) to admit that being unemployed has gotten the best of me. I've been depressed and it seems like it's only getting worse. I've become sedentary and my body hates me for it. I'll be the first to admit that I was never active or in shape, but since I haven't been working, I've been doing even less. My day consists of going from bed to the PC chair to the bathroom. Unfortunately classes have ended so now I have a full month to try and figure out what to do with my time. I'm too young to be aching and feeling like a 90 year old woman. Dammit!

Somehow, I've gotten off topic... 

How long is it okay to hold a grudge? I know grudges aren't healthy, but lets face it--sometimes you cannot help but to hold one. After a while you get tired of being the punching bag, the door mat, the pushover. There comes a time when you get fed up and it turns you bitter and you soon despise the offender. You blame them for everything wrong in your life, because you've convinced yourself that they had a hand in your crappy luck. 

Isn't it always better easier to blame other people for your short comings, than to look at yourself? No one wants to believe that they are the reason for their short comings... Right? Granted, I've some reasons to still feel ill-at-will towards some people... But I guess it's not entirely their fault I am in situation I am in... I just don't know if I can let go of the hurt. 

A Little Query

     If you have a brain transplant, do you lose all sense of you, and take on the persona/personality of the new brain? If this is so... Say a person is an organ donor and someone needs a brain transplant. This donor has done some horrific crimes, but they were never caught. The criminals' brain is then put into a demure, law biding person... Does this law biding person become a criminal? 

     Also, what happens if there is a partial transplant, and half of the brain is that of the said criminal. Would the "good" half of the brain be at conflicts with the "bad" half? Would this drive someone insane just with there sheer internal conflict?

    
     Just something to think about.

The Power that Compels Me

     Have you ever caught yourself doing something and then in the middle of it, you have this strong need to do something else? You cannot stop thinking about it and it almost feels all consuming? I was doing some reading for my English class and I had to stop. It wasn't making any sense to me, and I was forcing the reading, because the assignment is due on Monday... I tried to focus on it, but I couldn't. I kept getting this urge to write. Write anything. Write something. So here I am. 

      I have always wanted to write. Since the age of maybe 14, I've wanted to be a writer. I love being able to create a world where anything I want to happen, can. I could shape people to be how I want them to be, react how I want them to react, dream what I wish for them to dream. In essence, I like to play God. Maybe that's why I love playing Sims so much. My Sim Stories were gritty, brutal, and had a darker spin to them then the other stories you found. I don't know what that says about me and my psyche, but they came so easily. 

     I have a collection of my poems and photos that I would love to get published. It's been a dream of mine to be published; however, I don't think people really buy poetry books unless they are from Shakespeare, Poe, Frost, or Angelou. There are probably more well known poets, I just don't know of them... Or they don't come to mind. It's a shame really...

     I am rambling--and my space bar on this laptop is getting on my nerves. 

     Maybe the compelling urge to write should have stayed away for a bit longer. Re-reading this and I sound like a crazy person just rambling. Ha! I'm going to go now...

Like a Phoenix

     The beginning of the day... Was not very good. I went to the place and I'm glad I went early. It was busy. Kim said that what it was like today, was it being not being busy. Anyway... I went. I spoke to the person I had to. There is so much red tape and "necessary" forms and information. It's mind boggling that it is so easy to have the taxes taken out of my (then) paycheck, but when I (or anyone else) needs the assistance, they seem like they want your first born! 

      So, I have thirty days to send in the rest of the information that the case worker needs. Mind you, the paper that was sent to me didn't say anything about needing this and that or a vial of my blood (the blood is an exaggeration of course). I would have been more prepared if these requirements were stated. 

      How... How on Earth is it possible that someone can be on public assistance and drive around in a new and expensive car? Can someone explain this to me please? Maybe this is the hater in me, but if you can afford the expensive car payment... Why can't you afford food? I probably need to shut up, because as a firm believer in Karma, I don't want my bitterness to some how effect my future. 

     I did get a call back for a part time job on Friday. I procrastinated (a horrible habit of mine) and finally just called the HR lady back. I had to leave a message for her because she wasn't in the office yet. I had told her that I would be out all day, but for her to please call me. She did! I was so afraid that I had blown my chance at that place, because it did take me so long to return the phone call. So, I've got to call her tomorrow at 1p, because that is when she will be in the office. You better believe that my butt will be on the phone promptly at 1p dialing her number. Let us keep our fingers crossed.

     I think the possibility of getting a new job (fingers crossed!) and spending time with my family, it brought me out of my post place funk. I just have to remember that this isn't a defining moment in my life. I cannot let this break me. I've got a great number of people, near and far, who support me. It is these people who hear the whining and the self-depreciating comments I make about myself. I guess I need to keep them in mind. Things can always be worse... Right?

     On a happier note:

   I am in love with Karmin. They are a YouTube sensation. Amy has such a beautiful voice. Sometimes, I think that their versions are better than the original songs! Now, I love Adele, but... Really? Karmin's version of Adele's songs are just incredible. Perhaps this can be attributed to my good mood?

Leper on Society

     It is no misconception that people look down on those on welfare/food stamps/public assistance. I myself had a poor attitude to those who were on these programs. Wait, nix that. I had a poor attitude towards those who ABUSE these programs. The people who are able to work and refuse to. The people who get a house for cheap prices because they are on welfare, while I struggle to keep my head afloat in a newer trailer that I am buying. People who sell their food stamps (or however that works) so they can get alcohol or illegal substances. People who do not need grants for education, but lie on applications so that they get "free money". 

     I now see how these poor attitudes and stereotypes hurt those people who genuinely need the assistance. I now understand why it is a difficult thing to swallow your pride and admit you are not making it, due to some unforeseen circumstance; be it job loss, death of spouse, or disability. 

     Where is this coming from? Tomorrow, I am applying for food stamps. I have never had the need for public assistance, and never thought that I would have to go down to that office--the Welfare Building. I had a job that paid well, considering I didn't have a college degree. I may have loathed the job, but I still did what was asked of me--often times beyond what was asked of me. Yet, I was still fired. No, not laid off... Fired. So needless to say, it is now nerve wrecking to wait for unemployment to come through. Since I am buying my own home, I am terrified of losing it... Not to mention this puts a big damper on my future plans of relocating across country. 

       A very big damper.

     I went off course with what I was saying, hadn't I? Oh yes. Since I've never had to go to the Welfare building or have known anyone who has used food stamps, I googled it. Well, googled what I could buy and where. Of course, I punished myself by reading the negative comments that was left by some of the people. Saying that we (people who need assistance) are leeches. Or that we are stealing their money, when they could use the money themselves for their own families. Or that the tax payers should have a say in how the money (food stamps) are being spent on. 

     It was de-humanizing. I can honestly say that it broke my spirit. Not because people were saying how they felt, but because I once thought the same way. Maybe not so harshly, but in some degree. I couldn't understand why if someone was able to work, chose not to. Why should my hard earned money go to people who did not work for it? It never occurred to me that maybe they did work for it. Maybe they did pay into unemployment and now they have no choice but to collect. Maybe they feel the same trepidation when they needed to ask for government assistance. Now that I am on the other end of the stick, I am remorseful of how negatively I seen the assistance programs. 

      I can only hope that my unemployment is approved. I can only hope that I am able to get food stamps so that I can feed my house hold. I can only hope that I get call backs from the applications I've sent in. I've worked hard for what little I have. I don't want to lose it. I can't lose it. The only good thing I have going for me right now is school. I am trying to make a better life for myself. I just hope that this bump in the road, gets settled soon...

For Thought...

     I have always cooked processed foods. Dehydrated potatoes, boxed macaroni and cheese, noodles and rice that have the seasonings in them already. The only thing that I cooked from "scratch" was the meat (baking doesn't count, does it?). Even the vegetables were from a package or a can. I think (probably it is) this is the reason why I am over weight. While these things are more economical, realistically... What is is costing me in the long run? I'm not getting proper nutrition, I know this. Before, I ate this way because it was cheap and convenient. Isn't that why a lot of people eat processed and pre-cooked frozen foods? 

     Maybe I will turn this into a cooking blog, like so many others that are out there. I still haven't decided on the direction I will take this. We will see.