A Little Query

     If you have a brain transplant, do you lose all sense of you, and take on the persona/personality of the new brain? If this is so... Say a person is an organ donor and someone needs a brain transplant. This donor has done some horrific crimes, but they were never caught. The criminals' brain is then put into a demure, law biding person... Does this law biding person become a criminal? 

     Also, what happens if there is a partial transplant, and half of the brain is that of the said criminal. Would the "good" half of the brain be at conflicts with the "bad" half? Would this drive someone insane just with there sheer internal conflict?

    
     Just something to think about.

The Power that Compels Me

     Have you ever caught yourself doing something and then in the middle of it, you have this strong need to do something else? You cannot stop thinking about it and it almost feels all consuming? I was doing some reading for my English class and I had to stop. It wasn't making any sense to me, and I was forcing the reading, because the assignment is due on Monday... I tried to focus on it, but I couldn't. I kept getting this urge to write. Write anything. Write something. So here I am. 

      I have always wanted to write. Since the age of maybe 14, I've wanted to be a writer. I love being able to create a world where anything I want to happen, can. I could shape people to be how I want them to be, react how I want them to react, dream what I wish for them to dream. In essence, I like to play God. Maybe that's why I love playing Sims so much. My Sim Stories were gritty, brutal, and had a darker spin to them then the other stories you found. I don't know what that says about me and my psyche, but they came so easily. 

     I have a collection of my poems and photos that I would love to get published. It's been a dream of mine to be published; however, I don't think people really buy poetry books unless they are from Shakespeare, Poe, Frost, or Angelou. There are probably more well known poets, I just don't know of them... Or they don't come to mind. It's a shame really...

     I am rambling--and my space bar on this laptop is getting on my nerves. 

     Maybe the compelling urge to write should have stayed away for a bit longer. Re-reading this and I sound like a crazy person just rambling. Ha! I'm going to go now...

Like a Phoenix

     The beginning of the day... Was not very good. I went to the place and I'm glad I went early. It was busy. Kim said that what it was like today, was it being not being busy. Anyway... I went. I spoke to the person I had to. There is so much red tape and "necessary" forms and information. It's mind boggling that it is so easy to have the taxes taken out of my (then) paycheck, but when I (or anyone else) needs the assistance, they seem like they want your first born! 

      So, I have thirty days to send in the rest of the information that the case worker needs. Mind you, the paper that was sent to me didn't say anything about needing this and that or a vial of my blood (the blood is an exaggeration of course). I would have been more prepared if these requirements were stated. 

      How... How on Earth is it possible that someone can be on public assistance and drive around in a new and expensive car? Can someone explain this to me please? Maybe this is the hater in me, but if you can afford the expensive car payment... Why can't you afford food? I probably need to shut up, because as a firm believer in Karma, I don't want my bitterness to some how effect my future. 

     I did get a call back for a part time job on Friday. I procrastinated (a horrible habit of mine) and finally just called the HR lady back. I had to leave a message for her because she wasn't in the office yet. I had told her that I would be out all day, but for her to please call me. She did! I was so afraid that I had blown my chance at that place, because it did take me so long to return the phone call. So, I've got to call her tomorrow at 1p, because that is when she will be in the office. You better believe that my butt will be on the phone promptly at 1p dialing her number. Let us keep our fingers crossed.

     I think the possibility of getting a new job (fingers crossed!) and spending time with my family, it brought me out of my post place funk. I just have to remember that this isn't a defining moment in my life. I cannot let this break me. I've got a great number of people, near and far, who support me. It is these people who hear the whining and the self-depreciating comments I make about myself. I guess I need to keep them in mind. Things can always be worse... Right?

     On a happier note:

   I am in love with Karmin. They are a YouTube sensation. Amy has such a beautiful voice. Sometimes, I think that their versions are better than the original songs! Now, I love Adele, but... Really? Karmin's version of Adele's songs are just incredible. Perhaps this can be attributed to my good mood?

Leper on Society

     It is no misconception that people look down on those on welfare/food stamps/public assistance. I myself had a poor attitude to those who were on these programs. Wait, nix that. I had a poor attitude towards those who ABUSE these programs. The people who are able to work and refuse to. The people who get a house for cheap prices because they are on welfare, while I struggle to keep my head afloat in a newer trailer that I am buying. People who sell their food stamps (or however that works) so they can get alcohol or illegal substances. People who do not need grants for education, but lie on applications so that they get "free money". 

     I now see how these poor attitudes and stereotypes hurt those people who genuinely need the assistance. I now understand why it is a difficult thing to swallow your pride and admit you are not making it, due to some unforeseen circumstance; be it job loss, death of spouse, or disability. 

     Where is this coming from? Tomorrow, I am applying for food stamps. I have never had the need for public assistance, and never thought that I would have to go down to that office--the Welfare Building. I had a job that paid well, considering I didn't have a college degree. I may have loathed the job, but I still did what was asked of me--often times beyond what was asked of me. Yet, I was still fired. No, not laid off... Fired. So needless to say, it is now nerve wrecking to wait for unemployment to come through. Since I am buying my own home, I am terrified of losing it... Not to mention this puts a big damper on my future plans of relocating across country. 

       A very big damper.

     I went off course with what I was saying, hadn't I? Oh yes. Since I've never had to go to the Welfare building or have known anyone who has used food stamps, I googled it. Well, googled what I could buy and where. Of course, I punished myself by reading the negative comments that was left by some of the people. Saying that we (people who need assistance) are leeches. Or that we are stealing their money, when they could use the money themselves for their own families. Or that the tax payers should have a say in how the money (food stamps) are being spent on. 

     It was de-humanizing. I can honestly say that it broke my spirit. Not because people were saying how they felt, but because I once thought the same way. Maybe not so harshly, but in some degree. I couldn't understand why if someone was able to work, chose not to. Why should my hard earned money go to people who did not work for it? It never occurred to me that maybe they did work for it. Maybe they did pay into unemployment and now they have no choice but to collect. Maybe they feel the same trepidation when they needed to ask for government assistance. Now that I am on the other end of the stick, I am remorseful of how negatively I seen the assistance programs. 

      I can only hope that my unemployment is approved. I can only hope that I am able to get food stamps so that I can feed my house hold. I can only hope that I get call backs from the applications I've sent in. I've worked hard for what little I have. I don't want to lose it. I can't lose it. The only good thing I have going for me right now is school. I am trying to make a better life for myself. I just hope that this bump in the road, gets settled soon...

For Thought...

     I have always cooked processed foods. Dehydrated potatoes, boxed macaroni and cheese, noodles and rice that have the seasonings in them already. The only thing that I cooked from "scratch" was the meat (baking doesn't count, does it?). Even the vegetables were from a package or a can. I think (probably it is) this is the reason why I am over weight. While these things are more economical, realistically... What is is costing me in the long run? I'm not getting proper nutrition, I know this. Before, I ate this way because it was cheap and convenient. Isn't that why a lot of people eat processed and pre-cooked frozen foods? 

     Maybe I will turn this into a cooking blog, like so many others that are out there. I still haven't decided on the direction I will take this. We will see.

Curious

     Sometimes I often wonder if I would be in the situation I am in now, if Mom were still alive. Would I be jobless? Would I have roommates? Would I still be looking to move to California? There are just so many questions that I can never and will never know the answer to. I know that by thinking about them and wondering, I'll drive myself crazy. I know she would want me to think before I do anything. I know that she would support me, even if she didn't agree or understand my decisions. I could always count on her for her unconditional support. That is just one of the many many things I miss. People says it gets easier with time--I'm certain that this is true. It is almost a year since she has passed, and it still feels fresh every now and again. I used to smell her every now and again at Aristacare. I never smelled her at home. The scent has even dissipated from the last outfit she wore into the hospital... Out of her purse. Both are in a plastic bag, sealed up tight. I guess I just wanted her scent to last forever. I guess that's a little creepy? Sure, she smelled of smoke, but in a way, it was a sweet smoke? She didn't smell like other smokers. She had a smell all her own. The Hanna Smell. 

     Augh, and I needn't even mention her laugh. It was distinct, all her own. Everything about her, I miss... I just wish she was here, that's all. I know all of this would be so much easier to deal with if I had her to confide in. Sure, I have friends and the other family members. It would never be the same. For instance, Mom always encouraged me (even got mad at me) because my relationship with Dad isn't as good as it should be. She said she always wanted me to have a relationship with him, and it upset her that I didn't try harder or make more of an effort. Yet, everyone who I confide in now...? Says I should just be done with that entire county and everyone in it. Meaning, that side of the family. I don't know if I can officially wash my hands of him. My heart aches because he is the only parent I have left, and I barely know him. I know he and his wife would say that's no ones fault but my own. Maybe they're right. But doesn't it work both ways? I love him with all my heart, because he is my dad. I don't know. I really don't. 

    

Annoyed

I am getting slightly annoyed.
I am bored.
I am broke.
I am waiting for money to come in.
I am waiting for rent.
I am getting an ear ache.
I am being whiny.
I am hungry.
I am regretting waking up this morning.
I am thinking about taking a nap.
I am procrastinating doing homework.


Blah

Nice Sense of Accomplishment

     I am feeling pretty damn good today. I finally finished a paper for my Psychology class. It was giving me such a hard time, I couldn't wrap my head around what I was reading, or what we were supposed to do. I guess once I stopped trying to analyze  what I was reading and break it down, it just sort of came to me. Hopefully I get a good enough grade on it where it doesn't bring my B down too far. All that means is that I just have to work my butt off to keep the rest of the assignments top notch, JUST in case I get a bad grade on that paper. We will see though...

     Now, it's a silly reason to be excited about, but I finally got past two armies on Batheo. It's silly, but they were giving me a really hard time. Like, I could not go anywhere past Zeus or Hemera. (I'm talking as though people will know what I am talking about...) It's a fun game. Browser based and it uses flash. A little run down:

     You begin as a hero from ancient Greek Mythology (love). You work your way up and eventually join a faction. You can either align with Zeus, Poseidon, or Athena. However if you join a league before you decide, you automatically align with whatever your league is. I am a Poseidon follower... You build a city and train heros. Its a fun (and often times frustrating) game. I will blame my procrastination on that game, or on The Sims Social OR Serf Wars on Facebook. Yes, I am a game addict. Sad to say.

     Speaking of games, someone on Facebook gave me an invitation to a new game that is in Beta. It's called Glitch. Premise of that game is you live inside one of eleven gods imagination... Better yet, just click on that link and read for yourself. I couldn't possibly do the description justice. I have 3 invites if anyone is interested and would like to give it a try.

     So, yes. Today was a good Sunday. Even if I didn't do anything extraordinary. Yay for small accomplishments! And video games. ♥

Bedtime, now?

     Some days, you feel like you should have never gotten out of bed. Today is one of those days. Not only did I have a difficult time falling asleep (even though Tex was sleeping right next to me), I had to wake up early for class. Now, class isn't the problem... I was waking up at 4a four days out of the week. I can handle a 7a wake up... The class is so boring.

     Pre-Algebra. Yes, I will admit it. I am taking Pre-Algebra. I'm okay with being in that class. I've been out of school for 10 years now and math never was my strongest subject. However, when reality strikes... I feel so dumb. Last night, my cousin who is in 7th grade asked me to help her with her homework. I figured she would be doing the same math I was, and I would be able to help... Oh was I ever wrong. She is 4 chapters ahead of where I am at. It was a sad day.

      Buuuut I digress. Today. Today today today.

     Nothing really -bad- happened today. It's just one of those miserably damp kind of days. No sun, you've a chill straight down to the core. Not to mention the money issues that seem to be creeping up. I should know better than to believe things will work out smoothly. Every time I calm down and relax... I get worked up again when there is a bump in the road.

     Days like these, I wish Hanna was here. I could really use one of her hugs.

AdSense

    Making money while blogging? For good bloggers, that sounds like a good thing, but for a new blogger who doesn't have anything concrete and solid to blog about? Is it even worth it?  So far, I've only one follower (♥ Des) but come on...

     Yeeeeet, I am thinking about joining it. JUST to see what it is about and if it actually works. Well, I guess it would work considering it is a feature on here.

      Yes this is me rambling about nonsense. Yay nonsense!

Day six

     Day six of being unemployed. It's almost weird not working, after working for ten years. I know I can't really say that I've been working for a long time, because I guess it isn't really that long, considering the age one would need to be in order to retire... I am straying off topic aren't I?

     Have you ever had one of those moments where there was so much that you wanted to say, and then when you go to say it--silence? There reflecting back on situations where I could have said whatever I wanted (like getting fired), I chose to keep my mouth shut. Why? I no longer have to worry about offending anyone, or making anyone mad. What more could they have done? No, I kept my comments on how crappy of a decision it was on their behalf and a plethora of other truthful comments to myself. I do wish I had said those things, because quite frankly, they need to be said.

     Luckily for me, I don't have to worry about that place anymore. Such a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders, when they decided to let me go (yes, that is how he worded it...). It was not a good work environment to be in, and that is one of the reasons why I initially wanted to go into HR. I wanted to make a difference to employees who were getting crapped on by their employers, I wanted to be apart of the solution. If that even makes any sense?

     I was looking through the copies of my year end reviews, and the last one I got (last year) said that the boss would recommend me for a supervisor position. Really? How do someone go from supervisor material one year to fired within 10 months? It's beyond me. But since New Jersey is an At-Will state (which means they can fire you for wearing purple socks on St. Patty's Day) (read: for whatever reason they want... as long as it isn't discriminatory), I had no choice but to take it. It just baffles me, that's all.

     My game plan is to focus on my school work. Which means me not working and collecting unemployment until I can get an associates degree and then find a job within the field I am studying for. What ever that may be, of course. I don't know if there is a bad stigma associated with choosing to not to actively look for a new job once you find yourself without one? A part of me feels bad for willingly collecting the benefits that I've paid into. It's almost like breaking into your piggy bank.

     So... Now I have to wonder, am I apart of the 99% or the 53%? I -did- work hard for what I have. It definitely wasn't my choice to be without a job. But now it IS my choice to stay without a job in order to better myself for a better future.

     It's a conundrum!

Thankfully, 2011 is almost over.

     Where to begin? 

     I guess I -could- start with the basics. Who necessarily needs to know the basics though? The bare boned facts of the person at which you are reading about, does it really matter? I suppose so, if I want to have a connection with you, my (potential) readers. Unless, of course, you choose to read me simply because of my dry wit and sarcastic humor... Then by all means! Anyway...

     I am Evette. Twenty-eight years old (it doesn't seem quite that close to thirty if it is written out. Numbers never seem as big to me written out, then they do in numerical form). I have two roommates, a mother and daughter. We've 2 cats, one is mine and one is theirs, and a dog which is theirs. I am an only child, however I do have several step siblings (more about that later). 

     Basics aside, I am a simple girl. Unfortunately for me, I prefer solitude rather than being in the midst of excitement. This is a very odd characteristic for someone looking to move to the Bay Area in a few years. I currently live on the East Coast, New Jersey to be exact. I'm finding that there is nothing here for me. It is time that I pick up my things and try life out on the west coast. Yes I am fully aware that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but can it really be any muddier than it is here? I certainly hope not.

     The single person that was keeping me here, passed away in November of last year. The loss of my mother is still a hard pill to swallow. Sometimes it feels like she had passed only yesterday, and not nearly a year ago. She passed away at the ripe young age of 46. She had heart surgery in the "best heart hospital" in NJ, and she died. Needless to say, I hold great resentment to that hospital for my loss... and her primary care physician who did not diagnose her with heart disease. THAT is a long story and I don't want to make this whole first "Hi this is me!" post about my mother. I'm sure that there will be other posts about the situation further down the road.

     I do not have a good relationship with my father. He is in my life, of course, but it is strained at best. I don't know how else to explain our relationship. Neither try and communicate with the other. I'm sure he will say that it is my fault, the same as I will say it is his. In reality, it is both of our faults. I think my adult life has consisted of phone tag or short and generic conversations with him. I am very much like him when it comes to opening up and talking. We just do not talk to people, much less each other. That perhaps is our downfall...? Who knows. He remarried to a woman, and that is where I now have 3 step siblings. All of which I do not talk to. I thought I was close to the eldest step sister, but alas, she turned out to be the wicked step sister. It doesn't matter because I am a firm believer that karma will make her pay for the wrong doings she has done. 

      After working for the same company for almost nine years, I am now unemployed. The workplace decided that I could no longer handle the job (the same job I have been doing for six years). I call bullshit, but it is what it is. This is where the karma comes into play. Of course, I was very upset when they told me. Who wouldn't be? Especially when you had no warning nor any conference or meeting to tell me to change my performance or attitude. Since NJ is an at-will state, they basically -can- fire a worker for no reason. Anyhow, the main point is, I am glad--elated--that I am not working there now. That job had become a big stresser, but now... I've got a whole new set of stressers. 

      While I am not working, I can focus on my school work. Yes, after ten years of being out of school, I have decided to go back to school and get my degree. I initially wanted to do human services. At the time, I was tired of how my then employer was treating me and my co-workers. My HR lady inspired me to go into HR... However at the time I wasn't aware of how much extra stress that would bring on. My friend had talked me into going into hospitality management. I thought about it, and I was toying with the idea of one day opening a bed and breakfast. Thus, I had decided on my degree. Hospitality Management it is. 

      With being unemployed, my future plans may have to be on hold. Granted I do not plan to move out there for a good four to seven years, but I would still like to start saving. This year seems to be one downfall after another. From trying to find a lawyer to take my mothers case, to being fired and everything else in between... Sometimes I feel like I am grasping at straws. 

The purpose of this blog is for me to have an outlet. Maybe someone who is in a position like myself or have been, would stumble upon this little old blog of mine and be able to offer advice. Perhaps it could also work the other way around. That is the joy of the internet I suppose. To have the ability to reach out and touch others lives... Or even be spectators.

      And for now, I bid you good night. 

      Sleep sweet world...