Long Time Coming

It's been a while since I had posted here. I think insomnia has brought me to this place... When I decided to start blogging (and what a bang up job I am doing of that, no less), I had intended to do it daily--at least more frequent then whenever the mood strikes me. Right now, it's a combination of insomnia and a cluster fuck of thoughts and mixed emotions. Isn't that always the case though?


I know that I'm doing the right thing and pursing a college degree. I know that if I truly want to get somewhere in life, I need to do this. I know that while life has hit a big speed bump (read: the majority of my adult life), things will get better. I mean, they have to don't they? A better job is waiting for me, it's just a matter of time. Love? Well who knows if there is love in the horizon.

I've resolved to be single for the rest of my life. I'm not really sure if I truly want to let someone into my life and share it with me. While the thought of being one of the old cat ladies that people make fun of... I think that is what is in my future. While part of me longs for some sort of companionship other than my family and (very few) friends, it terrifies me to open up. I keep saying that I want to live and that I want to experience life and make new friends. I'm a little scared to. 


Okay, I'm very scared to. 


I know I can't keep living in the past, and while I know everyone has had made poor choices, lived through difficult things, and just have regrets-- they've made the choice to move on and keep living. Now, I'm not saying that I've given up living, I just think I've lost the desire to live? There isn't anything that brings me joy. I know , that's pitiful. I'm ashamed to even admit it. 28 years old is too young...


I don't know why I even started this post. I've been playing with spotify to get me in the mood to write something somewhat intelligent and coherent, but I've failed.