Like a Phoenix

     The beginning of the day... Was not very good. I went to the place and I'm glad I went early. It was busy. Kim said that what it was like today, was it being not being busy. Anyway... I went. I spoke to the person I had to. There is so much red tape and "necessary" forms and information. It's mind boggling that it is so easy to have the taxes taken out of my (then) paycheck, but when I (or anyone else) needs the assistance, they seem like they want your first born! 

      So, I have thirty days to send in the rest of the information that the case worker needs. Mind you, the paper that was sent to me didn't say anything about needing this and that or a vial of my blood (the blood is an exaggeration of course). I would have been more prepared if these requirements were stated. 

      How... How on Earth is it possible that someone can be on public assistance and drive around in a new and expensive car? Can someone explain this to me please? Maybe this is the hater in me, but if you can afford the expensive car payment... Why can't you afford food? I probably need to shut up, because as a firm believer in Karma, I don't want my bitterness to some how effect my future. 

     I did get a call back for a part time job on Friday. I procrastinated (a horrible habit of mine) and finally just called the HR lady back. I had to leave a message for her because she wasn't in the office yet. I had told her that I would be out all day, but for her to please call me. She did! I was so afraid that I had blown my chance at that place, because it did take me so long to return the phone call. So, I've got to call her tomorrow at 1p, because that is when she will be in the office. You better believe that my butt will be on the phone promptly at 1p dialing her number. Let us keep our fingers crossed.

     I think the possibility of getting a new job (fingers crossed!) and spending time with my family, it brought me out of my post place funk. I just have to remember that this isn't a defining moment in my life. I cannot let this break me. I've got a great number of people, near and far, who support me. It is these people who hear the whining and the self-depreciating comments I make about myself. I guess I need to keep them in mind. Things can always be worse... Right?

     On a happier note:

   I am in love with Karmin. They are a YouTube sensation. Amy has such a beautiful voice. Sometimes, I think that their versions are better than the original songs! Now, I love Adele, but... Really? Karmin's version of Adele's songs are just incredible. Perhaps this can be attributed to my good mood?

Leper on Society

     It is no misconception that people look down on those on welfare/food stamps/public assistance. I myself had a poor attitude to those who were on these programs. Wait, nix that. I had a poor attitude towards those who ABUSE these programs. The people who are able to work and refuse to. The people who get a house for cheap prices because they are on welfare, while I struggle to keep my head afloat in a newer trailer that I am buying. People who sell their food stamps (or however that works) so they can get alcohol or illegal substances. People who do not need grants for education, but lie on applications so that they get "free money". 

     I now see how these poor attitudes and stereotypes hurt those people who genuinely need the assistance. I now understand why it is a difficult thing to swallow your pride and admit you are not making it, due to some unforeseen circumstance; be it job loss, death of spouse, or disability. 

     Where is this coming from? Tomorrow, I am applying for food stamps. I have never had the need for public assistance, and never thought that I would have to go down to that office--the Welfare Building. I had a job that paid well, considering I didn't have a college degree. I may have loathed the job, but I still did what was asked of me--often times beyond what was asked of me. Yet, I was still fired. No, not laid off... Fired. So needless to say, it is now nerve wrecking to wait for unemployment to come through. Since I am buying my own home, I am terrified of losing it... Not to mention this puts a big damper on my future plans of relocating across country. 

       A very big damper.

     I went off course with what I was saying, hadn't I? Oh yes. Since I've never had to go to the Welfare building or have known anyone who has used food stamps, I googled it. Well, googled what I could buy and where. Of course, I punished myself by reading the negative comments that was left by some of the people. Saying that we (people who need assistance) are leeches. Or that we are stealing their money, when they could use the money themselves for their own families. Or that the tax payers should have a say in how the money (food stamps) are being spent on. 

     It was de-humanizing. I can honestly say that it broke my spirit. Not because people were saying how they felt, but because I once thought the same way. Maybe not so harshly, but in some degree. I couldn't understand why if someone was able to work, chose not to. Why should my hard earned money go to people who did not work for it? It never occurred to me that maybe they did work for it. Maybe they did pay into unemployment and now they have no choice but to collect. Maybe they feel the same trepidation when they needed to ask for government assistance. Now that I am on the other end of the stick, I am remorseful of how negatively I seen the assistance programs. 

      I can only hope that my unemployment is approved. I can only hope that I am able to get food stamps so that I can feed my house hold. I can only hope that I get call backs from the applications I've sent in. I've worked hard for what little I have. I don't want to lose it. I can't lose it. The only good thing I have going for me right now is school. I am trying to make a better life for myself. I just hope that this bump in the road, gets settled soon...

Thankfully, 2011 is almost over.

     Where to begin? 

     I guess I -could- start with the basics. Who necessarily needs to know the basics though? The bare boned facts of the person at which you are reading about, does it really matter? I suppose so, if I want to have a connection with you, my (potential) readers. Unless, of course, you choose to read me simply because of my dry wit and sarcastic humor... Then by all means! Anyway...

     I am Evette. Twenty-eight years old (it doesn't seem quite that close to thirty if it is written out. Numbers never seem as big to me written out, then they do in numerical form). I have two roommates, a mother and daughter. We've 2 cats, one is mine and one is theirs, and a dog which is theirs. I am an only child, however I do have several step siblings (more about that later). 

     Basics aside, I am a simple girl. Unfortunately for me, I prefer solitude rather than being in the midst of excitement. This is a very odd characteristic for someone looking to move to the Bay Area in a few years. I currently live on the East Coast, New Jersey to be exact. I'm finding that there is nothing here for me. It is time that I pick up my things and try life out on the west coast. Yes I am fully aware that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but can it really be any muddier than it is here? I certainly hope not.

     The single person that was keeping me here, passed away in November of last year. The loss of my mother is still a hard pill to swallow. Sometimes it feels like she had passed only yesterday, and not nearly a year ago. She passed away at the ripe young age of 46. She had heart surgery in the "best heart hospital" in NJ, and she died. Needless to say, I hold great resentment to that hospital for my loss... and her primary care physician who did not diagnose her with heart disease. THAT is a long story and I don't want to make this whole first "Hi this is me!" post about my mother. I'm sure that there will be other posts about the situation further down the road.

     I do not have a good relationship with my father. He is in my life, of course, but it is strained at best. I don't know how else to explain our relationship. Neither try and communicate with the other. I'm sure he will say that it is my fault, the same as I will say it is his. In reality, it is both of our faults. I think my adult life has consisted of phone tag or short and generic conversations with him. I am very much like him when it comes to opening up and talking. We just do not talk to people, much less each other. That perhaps is our downfall...? Who knows. He remarried to a woman, and that is where I now have 3 step siblings. All of which I do not talk to. I thought I was close to the eldest step sister, but alas, she turned out to be the wicked step sister. It doesn't matter because I am a firm believer that karma will make her pay for the wrong doings she has done. 

      After working for the same company for almost nine years, I am now unemployed. The workplace decided that I could no longer handle the job (the same job I have been doing for six years). I call bullshit, but it is what it is. This is where the karma comes into play. Of course, I was very upset when they told me. Who wouldn't be? Especially when you had no warning nor any conference or meeting to tell me to change my performance or attitude. Since NJ is an at-will state, they basically -can- fire a worker for no reason. Anyhow, the main point is, I am glad--elated--that I am not working there now. That job had become a big stresser, but now... I've got a whole new set of stressers. 

      While I am not working, I can focus on my school work. Yes, after ten years of being out of school, I have decided to go back to school and get my degree. I initially wanted to do human services. At the time, I was tired of how my then employer was treating me and my co-workers. My HR lady inspired me to go into HR... However at the time I wasn't aware of how much extra stress that would bring on. My friend had talked me into going into hospitality management. I thought about it, and I was toying with the idea of one day opening a bed and breakfast. Thus, I had decided on my degree. Hospitality Management it is. 

      With being unemployed, my future plans may have to be on hold. Granted I do not plan to move out there for a good four to seven years, but I would still like to start saving. This year seems to be one downfall after another. From trying to find a lawyer to take my mothers case, to being fired and everything else in between... Sometimes I feel like I am grasping at straws. 

The purpose of this blog is for me to have an outlet. Maybe someone who is in a position like myself or have been, would stumble upon this little old blog of mine and be able to offer advice. Perhaps it could also work the other way around. That is the joy of the internet I suppose. To have the ability to reach out and touch others lives... Or even be spectators.

      And for now, I bid you good night. 

      Sleep sweet world...