Leper on Society

     It is no misconception that people look down on those on welfare/food stamps/public assistance. I myself had a poor attitude to those who were on these programs. Wait, nix that. I had a poor attitude towards those who ABUSE these programs. The people who are able to work and refuse to. The people who get a house for cheap prices because they are on welfare, while I struggle to keep my head afloat in a newer trailer that I am buying. People who sell their food stamps (or however that works) so they can get alcohol or illegal substances. People who do not need grants for education, but lie on applications so that they get "free money". 

     I now see how these poor attitudes and stereotypes hurt those people who genuinely need the assistance. I now understand why it is a difficult thing to swallow your pride and admit you are not making it, due to some unforeseen circumstance; be it job loss, death of spouse, or disability. 

     Where is this coming from? Tomorrow, I am applying for food stamps. I have never had the need for public assistance, and never thought that I would have to go down to that office--the Welfare Building. I had a job that paid well, considering I didn't have a college degree. I may have loathed the job, but I still did what was asked of me--often times beyond what was asked of me. Yet, I was still fired. No, not laid off... Fired. So needless to say, it is now nerve wrecking to wait for unemployment to come through. Since I am buying my own home, I am terrified of losing it... Not to mention this puts a big damper on my future plans of relocating across country. 

       A very big damper.

     I went off course with what I was saying, hadn't I? Oh yes. Since I've never had to go to the Welfare building or have known anyone who has used food stamps, I googled it. Well, googled what I could buy and where. Of course, I punished myself by reading the negative comments that was left by some of the people. Saying that we (people who need assistance) are leeches. Or that we are stealing their money, when they could use the money themselves for their own families. Or that the tax payers should have a say in how the money (food stamps) are being spent on. 

     It was de-humanizing. I can honestly say that it broke my spirit. Not because people were saying how they felt, but because I once thought the same way. Maybe not so harshly, but in some degree. I couldn't understand why if someone was able to work, chose not to. Why should my hard earned money go to people who did not work for it? It never occurred to me that maybe they did work for it. Maybe they did pay into unemployment and now they have no choice but to collect. Maybe they feel the same trepidation when they needed to ask for government assistance. Now that I am on the other end of the stick, I am remorseful of how negatively I seen the assistance programs. 

      I can only hope that my unemployment is approved. I can only hope that I am able to get food stamps so that I can feed my house hold. I can only hope that I get call backs from the applications I've sent in. I've worked hard for what little I have. I don't want to lose it. I can't lose it. The only good thing I have going for me right now is school. I am trying to make a better life for myself. I just hope that this bump in the road, gets settled soon...

Curious

     Sometimes I often wonder if I would be in the situation I am in now, if Mom were still alive. Would I be jobless? Would I have roommates? Would I still be looking to move to California? There are just so many questions that I can never and will never know the answer to. I know that by thinking about them and wondering, I'll drive myself crazy. I know she would want me to think before I do anything. I know that she would support me, even if she didn't agree or understand my decisions. I could always count on her for her unconditional support. That is just one of the many many things I miss. People says it gets easier with time--I'm certain that this is true. It is almost a year since she has passed, and it still feels fresh every now and again. I used to smell her every now and again at Aristacare. I never smelled her at home. The scent has even dissipated from the last outfit she wore into the hospital... Out of her purse. Both are in a plastic bag, sealed up tight. I guess I just wanted her scent to last forever. I guess that's a little creepy? Sure, she smelled of smoke, but in a way, it was a sweet smoke? She didn't smell like other smokers. She had a smell all her own. The Hanna Smell. 

     Augh, and I needn't even mention her laugh. It was distinct, all her own. Everything about her, I miss... I just wish she was here, that's all. I know all of this would be so much easier to deal with if I had her to confide in. Sure, I have friends and the other family members. It would never be the same. For instance, Mom always encouraged me (even got mad at me) because my relationship with Dad isn't as good as it should be. She said she always wanted me to have a relationship with him, and it upset her that I didn't try harder or make more of an effort. Yet, everyone who I confide in now...? Says I should just be done with that entire county and everyone in it. Meaning, that side of the family. I don't know if I can officially wash my hands of him. My heart aches because he is the only parent I have left, and I barely know him. I know he and his wife would say that's no ones fault but my own. Maybe they're right. But doesn't it work both ways? I love him with all my heart, because he is my dad. I don't know. I really don't.