Late

It's getting pretty late. I've spent the past 3 or 4 hours (damn...) working on something for work. I'm trying to come up with a plan for a new kitchen/dining area. It's just a rough plan. Especially considering I am no architect and my scaling is horrible. 

I'm not going to ramble much today. I'm tired and I think I'm coming down with a cold... 

I did change my room around. That's a plus! Not to mention that I found out my TV fits in my cubbie space in my room and now I can watch TV in bed. Now I have to get a new TV for the living room. Oops. heh

Breakfast - Spinach Salad with Turkey, Salami and Cheese -  532 Calories

Dinner - Chicken Parmesan - 203 Calories

Baked Ziti - 572 Calories

The Ziti was a smaller portion than last nights, however, I'm too lazy tonight to look up the exact caloric value. So I'm just going to stick with that.
Total Calories for the Day: 1307

Chuckie

If you're like me and a child of the late 80s -- early 90s, you remember Chuckie... that redheaded doll with a thirst for blood and murder. I am, in no way shape or form, a fan of horror movies, but I remember watching a couple of snippets of the movies when I was younger. 

You know how it goes... Older cousins who dictated what movies were rented at West Coast Video (Blockbuster put West Coast out of business in my area. A good 15 or so years ago). So I  was the one stuck under the blankets trying to block out the screams all night. 

I digress. I had a nightmare about it out of the blue last night. I don't know what was going on... One minute I'm going into a fun house and then the next minute I'm being chased by a knife wielding killer doll!

Now with my active imagination, I couldn't go back to sleep because I was insistent that he was lurking on the edge of my bed or around my door. 

Needless to say, I'm tired. 

But big news, I finally got cable! I was quite pleased with myself that I was able to go this long without cable. I have been able to watch shows online and for a while that suited me just  fine. However, now? Not so much. I guess I'm just tired of sitting in the spare room staring at my laptop. 

Yes. I know. The point of having a laptop is so that I am not confined to one spot with it. What can I say, I make no sense what-so-ever.

Onto the fun stuff...

Breakfast - Apple Jacks - 70 Calories each (210 total)
2% milk, 8oz. - 120 Calories

Dinner - Chicken Parmesan - 203 Calories
Baked Ziti - 572 Calories
Orange Juice (not photoed) - 10oz - 138 Calories 

Total Calories for the Day: 1274

Today started off badly. I hit a deer! A young deer ran out in front of me at 5am this morning on my way to work. I am traumatized. The poor thing flipped and flew in the air like a damn rag doll.  It was heart breaking... I swear, if it was a fully grown deer, I think it would have flew through the windshield instead of flying away from the car. Luckily my car came out unscathed though. I guess that is a plus...

Kids at work have been unruly! I'm just glad that I don't deal with them directly. It's like ever since the full moon, they've became these beasts that have been caged up for too long. I know it was the holiday season, and they wanted to be with their families--but damn!! I couldn't be direct care. No way no how! I'm too much of a push over to actually be an authority figure to kids. Hell, I can't be authoritative toward my staff (a whole whopping 2 people!). I am a perpetual door mat. 

ANYWAY... 

In an effort to track what I eat, I'm posting pictures. (YAY Pictures!!) It'll help me visualize how crappy I eat. Or, not so crappy? I reopened my sparkpeople.com account to help with the calorie count. Eventually I'm going to start posting pictures of myself to show the physical changes... Right now I don't have my mirror set up to do so. 

I realized I need to drink more water. 

A lot more water. I was doing good for a while. My face was clear and break outs were minimal.   Granted I don't have many break outs now, but still. I don't really drink a lot of anything, which I know is really dumb. Hydration is key! Blah blah blah. At work I drink a lot of juice, because that is what's readily available. I don't trust the water there. I don't really know why, but I don't...

Here's what I ate for the day:

Breakfast - 6" cheese steak - 520 Calories

Lunch - Chicken Salad - 272 Calories
16 Oz. Orange Juice - 220 Calories
Salad Dressing - 120 Calories

Dinner - 80 Calories
Naval Orange - 64 Calories
Oikos Vanilla Yogurt - 110 Calories
Water - 0 calories

Total Calories for the day: 1385

I realized I am horribly out of shape. Like crazy bad. I went to the mall with a friend on Tuesday and my legs were killing me after walking for 30 minutes. Mind you, this wasn't a fast pace walk. It was a window shopping type walking. Around 1.5 hours of walking, I had to stop and sit down. My right calf felt extremely tight and prickly. I know that isn't a good thing. Poor circulation and what not. I'm hoping that it isn't onset diabetes. 

Mom had acute diabetes before she passed, and it runs on my dads side of the family. So needless to say, the chances of me getting it (along with my very poor eating/exercising habits) are very high. I definitely don't want that. 

This is all I'm going to say for the night. I've got work I need to do, for work. Don't you love when work comes home with you? It never ends!!

Night folks!

2013, yo.

Well well well. 2013 is here. We survived the apocalypse (surprise surprise) and the holidays are (finally) behind us. It's been a while since I've made a post and it's time that I've done so. 

I was talking with a friend the other night, and we are going to make 2013 different. We are going to lose weight (however we both have said the same thing every new year, and it never sticks) and we are going to be more out going. 

I'm going to be honest. I mean like... for real honest. 

• I'm lazy as hell. 
• I like savory food. 
• I eat my emotions.
• I eat when I'm bored. 
• I don't like working out. 
• I am my own worst enemy.
• I'd rather starve.

There. 

I've said it. 

I know it's not the "right" way. I know it's lazy and bad for me and blah blah blah. I KNOW. I don't want to work for it, but I want it to happen. Typical fat ass mentality, I know. 

I lack motivation. I mean genuine motivation. "Thinspiration" pictures do nothing for me. Motivational talks do nothing but give me a headache due to so much eye rolling. Maybe there's something psychologically wrong with me. I've lost weight before but that was the "bad" way. But it worked. 

My friend suggested we keep a food journal and a regular journal. I do keep a regular journal (that I update when the mood strikes). I figure that I could turn this into a food journal. Since I got a snazzy iPhone, I will take pictures of what I eat so that I could lament later on how bad (or maybe even how good) I am doing. 

I'll have to start it tomorrow, as I've already eaten today and it's nearly 8p. Gotta get up for work tomorrow. 

OH, yes. I am back to working. WOOT. Hello money! How I have I missed you.

Eh. Lazy is kicking in. Don't know what else to say, so... That's it!

Long Time Coming

It's been a while since I had posted here. I think insomnia has brought me to this place... When I decided to start blogging (and what a bang up job I am doing of that, no less), I had intended to do it daily--at least more frequent then whenever the mood strikes me. Right now, it's a combination of insomnia and a cluster fuck of thoughts and mixed emotions. Isn't that always the case though?


I know that I'm doing the right thing and pursing a college degree. I know that if I truly want to get somewhere in life, I need to do this. I know that while life has hit a big speed bump (read: the majority of my adult life), things will get better. I mean, they have to don't they? A better job is waiting for me, it's just a matter of time. Love? Well who knows if there is love in the horizon.

I've resolved to be single for the rest of my life. I'm not really sure if I truly want to let someone into my life and share it with me. While the thought of being one of the old cat ladies that people make fun of... I think that is what is in my future. While part of me longs for some sort of companionship other than my family and (very few) friends, it terrifies me to open up. I keep saying that I want to live and that I want to experience life and make new friends. I'm a little scared to. 


Okay, I'm very scared to. 


I know I can't keep living in the past, and while I know everyone has had made poor choices, lived through difficult things, and just have regrets-- they've made the choice to move on and keep living. Now, I'm not saying that I've given up living, I just think I've lost the desire to live? There isn't anything that brings me joy. I know , that's pitiful. I'm ashamed to even admit it. 28 years old is too young...


I don't know why I even started this post. I've been playing with spotify to get me in the mood to write something somewhat intelligent and coherent, but I've failed. 

Forgiveness?

It's been a long time since I've written. I will (have) to admit that being unemployed has gotten the best of me. I've been depressed and it seems like it's only getting worse. I've become sedentary and my body hates me for it. I'll be the first to admit that I was never active or in shape, but since I haven't been working, I've been doing even less. My day consists of going from bed to the PC chair to the bathroom. Unfortunately classes have ended so now I have a full month to try and figure out what to do with my time. I'm too young to be aching and feeling like a 90 year old woman. Dammit!

Somehow, I've gotten off topic... 

How long is it okay to hold a grudge? I know grudges aren't healthy, but lets face it--sometimes you cannot help but to hold one. After a while you get tired of being the punching bag, the door mat, the pushover. There comes a time when you get fed up and it turns you bitter and you soon despise the offender. You blame them for everything wrong in your life, because you've convinced yourself that they had a hand in your crappy luck. 

Isn't it always better easier to blame other people for your short comings, than to look at yourself? No one wants to believe that they are the reason for their short comings... Right? Granted, I've some reasons to still feel ill-at-will towards some people... But I guess it's not entirely their fault I am in situation I am in... I just don't know if I can let go of the hurt. 

A Little Query

     If you have a brain transplant, do you lose all sense of you, and take on the persona/personality of the new brain? If this is so... Say a person is an organ donor and someone needs a brain transplant. This donor has done some horrific crimes, but they were never caught. The criminals' brain is then put into a demure, law biding person... Does this law biding person become a criminal? 

     Also, what happens if there is a partial transplant, and half of the brain is that of the said criminal. Would the "good" half of the brain be at conflicts with the "bad" half? Would this drive someone insane just with there sheer internal conflict?

    
     Just something to think about.